Sunday, March 12, 2006

Keep eating, Fat Ass!

Weighing a whopping 33 pounds, the nine-year-old cat, astonishingly, still enjoys good health. This feline monster from Qingdao, Shandong Province, has a waist measurement of 31.5 inches.

The cat is so heavy it needs the help of its owner to get onto a bed -- so expecting him to fulfill his cat duties, such as catching vermin, might be a bit much. It would seem catching a nap, using his own little blanket and pillow, is the extent of his skills.

The cat has, according to his owner, no interest in fish, preferring to eat six pounds of chicken and pork each day.


FINALLY! An uplifting story about a cat! I consider this fat cat's situation to be good news for this organization, Pet Free Lifestyle. This is because soon the world will be rid of one more cat. This cat can't possibly live much longer at the rate it's going.

If we're lucky it will just explode in a couple weeks and that will be the end of it. OR... another acceptable solution would be for it to die a slow, painful death.

Hhhmmm... which solution do you prefer?

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Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Guest post from our sister blog... America's Next Top Mess

Stop the Madness

ShaggydogSo I guess Tim Allen thought that 8 years of Home Improvement and 2 Santa Clause movies wasn't enough of a punishment for humanity at large, so now he is doing a remake of the Shaggy Dog movie. Normally I would just ignore this information and move on with my life. But someone had taken it upon themselves to plaster Los Angeles, including a 9 million foot tall billboard on Highland and Franklin, with the horrible horrible horrible horrifying movie poster, with the scariest dog I have ever seen in my life. Seriously, if that dog tried to get near me I would run screaming like a wild banshee for the hills. I almost crash my car every time I see it.

Then Marcel is like, "Why does that dog actually LOOK like Tim Allen?" And I'm like "AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" and now I am traumatized even more. Then I saw the preview for it in the theatre, and yes, oh yes... the theme song is "Who let the dogs out?"

I think the real question should be "Who let the Hollywood studio executives smoke crack for lunch?"

This is not ok people. I hate animals, and more specifically I hate Talktothepawoverzealous animal people. There is a woman at my work who has a magnet that says "Talk to the Paw". I found an exact replica online for your viewing pleasure. Every day when I walk by it I want to rip out my own hair at how FUCKING DUMB it is. I mean, I am terrified beyond terror of the person who finds this amusing. My terror ranking goes 1) Talk to the Paw People, 2) Dogs 3) Actual terrorists from the Middle East or wherever. I would so mano to mano a real terrorist, but I would not even want to associate with someone who likes Talk to the Paw paraphenlia.

PS. the Slogan for the Shaggy Dog movie is "Raise the Woof". Vomit vomit vomit vomit blelehehahdchhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaahhhh.

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Friday, March 03, 2006

Pets Save An Obviously Shitty Marriage

Apparently actors Hilary Swank and Chad Lowe are not getting divorced now because they can't decide how to split up their pets.

WHAT?!?! If the only thing a marriage has going for it is that you have pets in common that you don't want to be away from, well then you might as well let one of them bite you and give you rabies right now because your life is pathetic and you are a waste of human skin.

To futher prove their psychoticness... these two freaks own an entire zoo, including parrots, dogs, a cat and a rabbit. Even if they just had one dog, I would hate them. But what kind of people purposely take in more than one animal?

I guarantee you that their house smells like a steaming platter of shit. They probably have marital problems because they have no friends since their acquaintances refuse to enter their stinky home, not to mention the fact that Hil and Chad are permanently (and willingly) tied to their home since they have so many non-humans to take care of.

Just to get you further infuriated: a family source says, "They are one big happy family and don't want to break it up."

PEOPLE LISTEN UP: YOU ARE NOT "FAMILY" WITH ANIMALS! A family is a group of related humans. I'm sure that if you look up the word "family" in the dictionary you would see that it does not include mongrels of other species that lick their own asses! Why would anyone even want to claim such furry messes as their own "flesh and blood"?!?!

Man, this is one fucked up planet we live on.

source: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/sfgate/indexd?blogid=7

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