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Monday, September 25, 2006

Celebrate A Hero Today 

Today PFL would like to highlight a true hero of our times. Not only does this individual get excessively drunk (which we admire wholeheartedly) he also killed a dog in a new and creative manner. Furthermore, we salute the fact that the dog probably suffered while he died. That's always good, too.

Three cheers for Unknown Drunken Dog Dropper Man! Hip, hip, hooray!

Man Throws Dog From 8th Story Window

A drunk man killed his dog by throwing it out of the window from his eighth-floor apartment in the western Slovak city of Trnava, a police official said Friday.

The man, whose identity was not released, confessed he committed the cruel act in late November, said Maj. Pavol Kondel, a police official in Trnava. He said they'd never come across a similar case in the city.

The dog owner likely will be charged with torturing an animal. If convicted, he faces a sentence of up to two years in prison.


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Sunday, March 12, 2006

Keep eating, Fat Ass!



Weighing a whopping 33 pounds, the nine-year-old cat, astonishingly, still enjoys good health. This feline monster from Qingdao, Shandong Province, has a waist measurement of 31.5 inches.

The cat is so heavy it needs the help of its owner to get onto a bed -- so expecting him to fulfill his cat duties, such as catching vermin, might be a bit much. It would seem catching a nap, using his own little blanket and pillow, is the extent of his skills.

The cat has, according to his owner, no interest in fish, preferring to eat six pounds of chicken and pork each day.

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FINALLY! An uplifting story about a cat! I consider this fat cat's situation to be good news for this organization, Pet Free Lifestyle. This is because soon the world will be rid of one more cat. This cat can't possibly live much longer at the rate it's going.

If we're lucky it will just explode in a couple weeks and that will be the end of it. OR... another acceptable solution would be for it to die a slow, painful death.

Hhhmmm... which solution do you prefer?

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Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Guest post from our sister blog... America's Next Top Mess


Stop the Madness

ShaggydogSo I guess Tim Allen thought that 8 years of Home Improvement and 2 Santa Clause movies wasn't enough of a punishment for humanity at large, so now he is doing a remake of the Shaggy Dog movie. Normally I would just ignore this information and move on with my life. But someone had taken it upon themselves to plaster Los Angeles, including a 9 million foot tall billboard on Highland and Franklin, with the horrible horrible horrible horrifying movie poster, with the scariest dog I have ever seen in my life. Seriously, if that dog tried to get near me I would run screaming like a wild banshee for the hills. I almost crash my car every time I see it.

Then Marcel is like, "Why does that dog actually LOOK like Tim Allen?" And I'm like "AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" and now I am traumatized even more. Then I saw the preview for it in the theatre, and yes, oh yes... the theme song is "Who let the dogs out?"

I think the real question should be "Who let the Hollywood studio executives smoke crack for lunch?"

This is not ok people. I hate animals, and more specifically I hate Talktothepawoverzealous animal people. There is a woman at my work who has a magnet that says "Talk to the Paw". I found an exact replica online for your viewing pleasure. Every day when I walk by it I want to rip out my own hair at how FUCKING DUMB it is. I mean, I am terrified beyond terror of the person who finds this amusing. My terror ranking goes 1) Talk to the Paw People, 2) Dogs 3) Actual terrorists from the Middle East or wherever. I would so mano to mano a real terrorist, but I would not even want to associate with someone who likes Talk to the Paw paraphenlia.

PS. the Slogan for the Shaggy Dog movie is "Raise the Woof". Vomit vomit vomit vomit blelehehahdchhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaahhhh.


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Friday, March 03, 2006

Pets Save An Obviously Shitty Marriage


Apparently actors Hilary Swank and Chad Lowe are not getting divorced now because they can't decide how to split up their pets.

WHAT?!?! If the only thing a marriage has going for it is that you have pets in common that you don't want to be away from, well then you might as well let one of them bite you and give you rabies right now because your life is pathetic and you are a waste of human skin.

To futher prove their psychoticness... these two freaks own an entire zoo, including parrots, dogs, a cat and a rabbit. Even if they just had one dog, I would hate them. But what kind of people purposely take in more than one animal?

I guarantee you that their house smells like a steaming platter of shit. They probably have marital problems because they have no friends since their acquaintances refuse to enter their stinky home, not to mention the fact that Hil and Chad are permanently (and willingly) tied to their home since they have so many non-humans to take care of.

Just to get you further infuriated: a family source says, "They are one big happy family and don't want to break it up."

PEOPLE LISTEN UP: YOU ARE NOT "FAMILY" WITH ANIMALS! A family is a group of related humans. I'm sure that if you look up the word "family" in the dictionary you would see that it does not include mongrels of other species that lick their own asses! Why would anyone even want to claim such furry messes as their own "flesh and blood"?!?!

Man, this is one fucked up planet we live on.

source: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/sfgate/indexd?blogid=7

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Sunday, February 05, 2006

A Note from Iethiopia, our most eloquent new member...

"Hi All
I was walking on the railroad the other day admiring the beauty. There was a sloping hill, I wanted to see what was at the bottom of it. There was a snow covered field with sunlight reflecting off of some ice. It was tranquil and then suddenly a disturbing barking perpetrated my concentration. Four dogs were down there, maybe a football field distace away. I ignored them because I heard someone shouting and I asumed that it was the owner. Next thing I knew the dogs were on the tracks growling. I saw a news clip where drugs are being smuggled into the US by dogs. Apparently the dealers cut open the dogs underside, put in the goodies (drugs) and sew the dogs back up. A toast to all illtreatment of our four legged nemesis."

Of course, I have to agree with Iethiopia here. First of all, there's nothing quite as annoying and un-tranquil as dogs barking. Boo to that!

Secondly, I have a newfound respect and appreciation for drug smugglers! That's so cool that they hurt dogs AND deliver healing narcotics to the masses. Double bonus!

Death to all dogs!

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Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Welcome to our newest member, Iethiopia! Iethopia is very passionate about our PFL cause. As soon as we saw his creative and enthusiastic devotion to the PFL message, we knew we just had to have him in our organization. He brings with him an intelligence and thoughfulness that really fits nicely with the tone of our group.

Here is a poem that Iethiopia wrote about the wisdom of not owning pets. He wrote this during his membership application process. Enjoy!

Dear Comrades
I have written a Pro PFL poem. There is a pattern: there is six stanzas, there are six words repeated at different locations in the stanzas, the six words are "call-dogs-mind-are-between-given."

Patrol and Control

by Iethiopia

I will call to mind a scary comparison

Between cops and dogs

They are both given the authority

To protect and serve

Out of the kennel dogs file

Between any given meal they are maraudering

Mind less mutts prone to maul

The first stranger to call to them

Given that dogs fall between the beneficial categories

Of Seeing Eye and law enforcement

Call them tools and acquaintances

But they are not to mind as best friends and family

Mind the tongues of who are known as pet owners/lovers

It is daily treason to value your dogs over humans

Canines won't distinguish between foods given to it

And regurgitated/defecated matter, they call it all food

Dogs don't mind if you were given higher intelligence

They are awaiting a time to turn on you

Call those curs from the victims

Between their jaws

The difference between me and you

Is the inferior mind that you accept when you are given a pet

You dress, kiss, clean, and sleep with your dogs

And you call me crazy.


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Monday, August 29, 2005

I honestly don't know how this happened to me.

I tried to be a nice girl and build a nice web site for my high school class. It has a message board and a photo gallery and polls and an In Memoriam page.

But now it has fucking pictures of some girl's cat on it. I never intended to have pictures of cats stored on my server. My plan to allow my former classmates to post their own photos to the galleries has backfired on me.

AND WORST OF ALL, this girl posted the cat photos under the section reserved for people's CHILDREN!

PEOPLE - your pets are not your children!!! They did not come out of a human vagina. They are not the result of a passionate night in the back of Chevy or a cheap roadside hotel.

Sure you could also say that most human babies don't come from hoity-toity sophisticated intercourse between two people who really love each other. But these animals... they come from a horny 2-second fuck between a mutt and another mutt. Their brains aren't even big enough to enjoy the sex. They just attack whatever animal happens to be around at the moment and out pops a furry, bloody mess some amount of time later.

And you want to claim these scrawny rats as your "children?" What an insult to your real children, if you ever have them someday. Equating pets and humans is the #1 thing that PFL must fight against. It is a sign that people are getting stupider and stupider with every passing generation.

You think prairie frontier people called their dogs their children? No, they called them bitches and and put them to work and hit them if they misbehaved. Why couldn't I have been born in those times? Fuck political correctness.

Anyway, I don't know what I'm going to do about the server space that is currently housing two photos of Sebastian the cat.

What have I gotten myself into?

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Sunday, August 28, 2005

OK, first we had Stuffoncats.com or whatever the hell it was called. Now we have Cats in Sinks.



I guess every 2-bit web designer now thinks it's OK to buy a succinct, descriptive domain name and slap together some type of "pets in certain situations"-themed site. Why do these sites get so popular, so quickly? Is there really such an appetite for such idiotic diversions? Don't real life and human-focused activities hold any allure for all you "web surfers" out there?

Well, count me out. Although it does give me something to write about here and, in this particular instance, the fact that the cats are in sinks gives me hope that perhaps the cats are unhappy in the sinks because they don't like water. Perhaps this is some sort of cat abuse disguised as fodder for a Hallmark card? I don't know. But I can only hope that someone turns the faucet on and drowns those kitties ASAP.

Believe me, if I could stand to have a cat within 2 feet of me, I would do it myself.

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Saturday, August 27, 2005

I think I have found my new home on this planet - Uncyclopedia.org

I was lured there by a simple set of sentences:

"Kitten huffing is a great alternative to normal street drugs and vitamins. It is well known that ingesting kittens has its side effects, so please, don't huff more than two or three a day. Kitten-related human fatalities are no joke."

When you go the site's entry on Kitten Huffing you can find step-by-step instructions for how to use kittens to get a natural high. They even have a list of famed kitten-huffers from throughout history and, of course, this list of fine individuals is going to become my new list of people to admire.

Any site that has such irreverent shit on it, without any apparent disclaimers or even a hint of apology, is so fucking PFL that it's eery.

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Friday, August 26, 2005

Rad.

I just googled the term "kill all dogs" just to see if I could find any intelligent, like-minded folks out there so that we could recruit them to join PFL and only one image came up:



That is fricking dope. No words necessary - just a photo of an idiotic dog in a tutu conveys the phrase "kill all dogs."

I love the Internets.

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